Clare Josa | Author And Keynote Speaker

UK's Foremost Imposter Syndrome Expert, International Keynote Speaker & 8x Author

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Be Careful Who You’re Letting Rent Space In Your Head

How To Change Your Life

I had a useful reminder of this one recently.

Watch out who you’re letting rent the space in your head. It’s ok to evict any tenant who’s dragging you down.

I’m normally pretty good at being able to keep other people’s ‘stuff’ out of my ‘head-rent-space’. But there’s been a situation over the past week where I’m having to deal with someone who is feeling very stressed and pretty sad – and I’ve been letting them pass it on to me.

How did I spot it?

Because I was spending a lot of my spare time thinking and talking about that person and their behaviour and – here’s the crunch – I was feeling irritated and stressed, whenever I thought about the situation. My Monkey Mind’s story machine was in overdrive.

I was letting them live in my head, rent-free, and was letting their issues impact the way I was feeling.

It’s a surprisingly common problem.
It can lead to stress and worry, with a massive dollop of negative thinking and generally feeling bad.

What can you do, when someone else is camping out in your head?

Let go of the story!

Here’s a quick – but highly effective – 3-step action plan:

  1. Ask yourself (very honestly!): what’s true in this – and what’s drama? Let go of everything that’s drama. It will feel better – instantly – especially if you do this from a place of compassion, rather than anger. (Remember: all criticism is borne of someone else’s pain)
  2. Ask yourself: do I need to take any specific action to improve this situation? If yes, do it. If no, let go and move on.
  3. Each time that person pops back into your head space, lovingly remind yourself that you have chosen not to play that game any more and think of something else. If you find that hard, you can always experiment with the ‘cutting old ties‘ exercise.

It’s not about rejecting the other person.

It is about setting clear boundaries (with yourself!) and accepting responsibility for the fact that who and what you let hang around in your head will impact your exoerience of life – and we always have choice.

I’m curious: is there anything going on for you where this might help today?

When you experiment with this, you’ll notice you end up with a wonderful sense of relief, when the job is done.

Wishing you a day full of sunshine and laughter.
Namaste,
Clare

This article is an excerpt from The Little Book Of Daily Sunshine by Clare Josa.

Does It Pass The Eightieth Birthday Test?

How To Change Your Life

Want a simple technique to help figure out whether that thing that’s stressing you really matters?

Here’s one of my favourites – the eightieth birthday test.

“Does it pass the eightieth birthday test? If not, then it’s not really important.”

How often do we get fixated on proving a point in an argument? Or feeling stuck over what seems to be a big decision? It’s a major cause of stress – and relationship problems.

Luckily there’s a simple test you can apply, to figure out if it really matters.

Imagine it’s your eightieth birthday – or a birthday at least ten years ahead.

Look back at the event from today and see it with the eyes, heart and experience of that eighty year old you.

Does that old choice or action make any difference to the eighty year old you? Did it change the course of your life? If yes, was it in a way that you would want?

What advice would the eighty year old you give the younger you, in this situation?

Coming back to the hear and now, what have you discovered?

I’m curious: is there a situation where you could experiment with this technique today?

When you experiment with this, you’ll notice you end up with a wonderful sense of relief, when the job is done.

Wishing you a day full of sunshine and laughter.
Namaste,
Clare

This article is an excerpt from The Little Book Of Daily Sunshine by Clare Josa.

How A Pair Of Imaginary Scissors Can Help You Let Go Of The Past

Inspirational Messages

I’m curious: how did you get on with the eightieth birthday test? It can be a really useful tool for cutting through to what really matters – and even choosing when it’s time to let go of old ‘stuff’.

But sometimes, even if we want to let something go, it can still hang around. And fortunately there’s a really simple technique you can use, to send it on its way. Interested?

“When it’s time to let go of an old habit, belief or thought pattern – or a memory from the past – all you need to do is grab your imaginary scissors….”

The past – be it habits, beliefs or memories – can feel like it is tied to us with invisible bits of string. No matter how often we tell it we are done with it, it can pop back and keep us stuck.

So here’s my favourite 30 second process for finally letting go.

    • Firstly, you need to notice and acknowledge that the old pattern, habit, belief or memory is still around.
    • Then, rather than rejecting it, it’s important to accept it – not to resist. That doesn’t mean indulging in it, but if you’re pushing it away, then you can’t work with it in the next stage.
    • It really helps to be able to say thank you to it. It doesn’t mean you have to feel happy about it or pretend that that old experience was ok, but everything we experience can be used for our growth and learning, at some level. You might choose to imagine you can talk to this old thought, belief, habit or memory and perhaps say something like:

“Even though I might not fully understand why you were part of my life, I thank you for however it was you were trying to help me. Now I choose to let go and move on. Our work together is done.”

  • Then imagine you can see the invisible cord of energy, connecting you to that old belief / memory. Take your big imaginary scissors and cut that cord – all the way through. Fill both ends with love, as they melt away. Then allow that old habit / belief to drift away, gone and finished.
  • If it ever comes back, repeat the process. When you cut the ties, you are making a choice to let go and release. Any return (if it happens) will be milder. It rarely takes more than two or three goes to let go completely. One is usually enough. If you find you’re holding on to the old issue, you can always check it against the Eightieth Birthday Test. That normally sorts things out!

You can use this process with ‘stuck emotions’, too. it’s exactly the same and it can instantly improve your mood.

When you experiment with this, you’ll notice you end up with a wonderful sense of relief, when the job is done.

Wishing you a day full of sunshine and laughter.
Namaste,
Clare

This article is an excerpt from The Little Book Of Daily Sunshine by Clare Josa.

What’s The Problem With Loving Fridays So Much?

Inspirational Messages

We love Fridays so much that there have even been restaurant chains and TV shows named after that ‘Friday Feeling’.

And we hate Mondays so much that people have written songs about them and hospitals say that Monday mornings are their worst time for stress-related emergency admissions, such as heart attacks.

[Here’s a helpful article on dealing with the Monday morning blues, in case you need it!]

What’s going on?

Why do we give so much power to a day of the week?

It’s curious how many stories we tell ourselves about Fridays and Mondays. And we believe the urban myth that we are supposed to hate the start of the traditional working week, whilst yearning for its end.

Surely that leads to us wishing away most of our time?

Isn’t life a bit short for that?

Those of you who are regular readers of this column will know that we tend to believe the stories we tell ourselves. So if we keep reinforcing the fact that Mondays are bad and Fridays are great, then that is what we will believe – and we will filter our experiences to notice only those events that support that belief.

I’m intrigued about whether we could turn things around, through a simple change in our attitude?

Nelson Mandela, when being released from his decades in prison, said that had he left prison still feeling anger and resentment, he would still have been a prisoner.

If he can work his way to a place of acceptance of losing 27 years of physical freedom, surely we can get our heads around letting go of this Monday / Friday thing?

I’m curious:

What’s going on with Fridays and Mondays for you? Why do you think the Western world has turned them into such a big deal?

Do you think we use it as some kind of ‘badge of honour’? Do we gain something from complaining about our working week? Is the problem real, or is it just a cultural habit?

I’d love to hear your views on all this – perhaps you could spare a moment to share them via the comments box, below?

In the meantime, here’s wishing you a very happy Friday!

Who Should You Turn To, To Change Your Life?

How To Change Your Life

“No one can change your life for you. It has to be an inside job. Always has been. Always will be.”

It’s easy to fall into the trap of being a ‘self-help’ junkie. I should know – I’ve been one. We read every book. We subscribe to every newsletter. We attend every workshop. We have tried (and often trained in) every therapy. At seminar lunch breaks, you often find us proudly listing all the famous people whose courses they have taken. Yet it still doesn’t seem to be working.

It’s as though we are driven to be on a relentless search for that final magic bullet – the technique that will fix us. The one that will make things ok.

But we’re never going to find it.

Why?

Because firstly, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with us, so there’s nothing to fix. We are just running some old habits and beliefs that don’t sit comfotably any more. And secondly, we are expecting the authors, seminar leaders and therapists to somehow do the change work for us.

“I felt great for a few days, but then things went back to normal.”

Books, seminars, courses and therapeutic interventions can all help, when we want to make shifts. They can even spark a deep transformation and a release of old patterns. But the real work happens when we put down the book or get home after the course or therapy. That’s when the effort needs to start.

No one can wave a magic wand to take away the fact that creating change in your life requires two elements:

  1. Choice – a decision (which may need to be remade every five minutes, at first!).
  2. Action – a choice without action will only ever lead to feeling frustrated by the status quo.

When we let go of the need to ‘fix’ ourselves and stop seeing ourselves as somehow ‘broken’, it opens the door to treating ourselves more compassionately and those old habits of beating ourselves up can effortlessly melt away.

This opens up the possibilities for making choices about how to think, feel and behave, without judging ourselves, which makes action easier.

No matter what we learn from others, be they experts or a stranger in the street, insight or knowledge without action won’t create the future we desire.

That action doesn’t have to be difficult, but it does need dedication. In the ancient spiritual language of Sanskrit this dedication is called ‘abhyasa’. I often think of this as ‘doing what needs to be done, even when you’re not in the mood’.

If something about a book, course or therapy has inspired you, it’s your deepest wisdom’s message that bringing that inspiration into your daily life will yield positive results.

Inspiration can give you the idea. Motivation can get you started. But it’s boring old action, habit and routine that will actually create and sustain the change.

So if you come across inspiration, it really helps to ask yourself how you could help yourself to nurture this new habit and create that change.

Changing your life doesn’t need to take years or cost a fortune. With each and every breath we can choose to shift our experience. It’s wonderful that there are others out there, offering guiding lights, to help us find shortcuts. But no one can do it for us.
Wishing you a day full of sunshine and laughter.
Namaste,
Clare

P.S. Like Daily Sunshine? Please share it with your friends. Daily Sunshine

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